It has recently come to my attention that the paranormal community, historically rife with the potential for fraud, is apparently also fraught with and/or plagued by bullying. I knew there were isolated incidents but didn't know just how severe and widespread it was. I feel a responsibility to provide a place here at iH where information/advice/help/ideas can be shared.
Our goal here in this particular forum is to raise awareness, provide direction, (perhaps form new alliances) and to set and then reach beyond our own higher standard for "playing nice" -not to spread stories or cultivate negativity, or to become a watch-dog group or the Paranormal Police.
In the online world, particularly throughout the social networks, there exists, as you know, a kind of virtual sur-reality. It follows it's own set of protocols and seems to encourage, enable, or indulge a different level of acceptable behavior and provide for a sort of sense of anonymity. As a result, people can so easily come to view others merely as "profiles" rather than as individuals. This "safe distance" attitude has created and infected many communities with rudeness, personal attacks and posts of hate, cruelty, and ugliness, which tend to fly freely with accusations (but not necessarily with accountability), and often carry over into the "real" world. Even entire web pages devoted to the "exposure" or exploitation of others spring up like dandilions and usually become part of the problem, not the solution. The usual excuse? "They deserve it" says they. "The buck stops here", says I.
I am not a lawyer, a shrink, or anything, but some of us at iH know a little something about being bullied (and/or defrauded, scammed, played for a sucker etc.) and we'll do our best to pass on resources, possible recourse, and any other constructive tidbit that might help others avoid or deal with being victimized. Please feel free to add your own. And if you have a story to tell, by all means, share. But please leave names out of it unless it's a matter of relevant public record, you have supporting or legal evidence to present, or some other permission or acceptable reason for doing so. For those who might not yet know how we do things around here: Decent into backstabbing, name calling, or gratuitous trouble making is, of course, not allowed. (Know that I still remember how to give the ol' shazaaam! and have passed on the secret of these superpowers to others ;)
(As an aside: I am personally pleased to say that here at iH not only is bully/fraudulent behavior frowned upon, but it would likely be considered an "un natural act" by our members. Why? Mainly Respect. We all have valid points of view, experiences, ideas, expertise, or questions and well, we just really enjoy each other's company, no matter our differences. So to a prospective new iH member I say: "you're not only welcome here, you're safe." To the current Boo's, otherwise known as my wonderfully disfunctional extended family I say: "Dang, I love you guys!")
This post was edited by Jo-Anne Penn at January 12, 2011 5:23:36 PM EST It's a bit scattered (at this starting point of departure anyway) and I'll try to edit and organize as it evolves.
The Obvious: DO NOT ENGAGE or respond to Bullies. This is the food on which they feed, the drink on which they become fairly intoxicated - be it your fear, annoyance, rage, etc. Therefore, and this is important - the very thing they seek, the attention, is within YOUR power to bestow or withold. Here at iH we uphold a policy of Silence and Vigilance. We simply wouldn't take the bait or discuss the behavior or the bullies on the site. This is a hard thing to do and often requires oodles of patience and an iron will.
If you are being threatened and harrassed even without providing attention, do not hesitate to report it (more on the where's/to whom's asap). Most likely nothing will be done, but it will be the beginning of documenting your effort.
What you might not have known: ANYONE CAN WRITE AND SUBMIT a Cease and Desist order. You do NOT need a lawyer to do this for you, though of course, a hardened bully/scammer will laugh at you and may redouble their efforts to "get you", so be prepared for this. File it away in your mind as part of the process and redouble your determination to not be a victim. (I'll post some links to samples asap)
Document everything. There is a feature on our computers that enables us to make screen captures. (I will make exact note of this process as soon as I remember how to do it) This is particularly helpful not just for bullying, but if you are enduring copyright/privacy infringement, defamation, slander, or impersonation. (More on this later - the internet is still a hazy place for legal issues/jurisdiction and who/where to report, and anything from a forum post, to a name being used, to an altered image (think mustache on Mona Lisa), to someone trying to "cash in" on your 'brand' or name falls into these legal categories).
Lot's more specifics and links to come, including how reporting actually works/doesn't work, where to go, who to contact etc.
Thanks for your input guys - keep it coming. We here at iH are certainly a living, thriving example of a little community that has managed to fight back successfully against that which is often seen as the scourge and plague - even the demise of other networks. :) And I believe because we are happily "bully free" around here it is our responsibility to try to share what we know might work.
Let's back track a bit to some very basic information, particularly since there may be those who may not even really understand what a bully is or is not - especially for a potential victim. Then there is the whole public vs. private bullying. It all gets a bit tricky when dealing with the internet, particularly for grown-ups. Much information, of course, is written relevant to children/teens, but the fundamentals are pretty much the same.
Let's start at the very beginning.
Bullies 101
Excerpts from http://www.addictions.net/id251.html
"What is bullying? Bullying is persistent unwelcome behaviour, mostly using unwarranted or invalid criticism, nit-picking, fault-finding, also exclusion, isolation, being singled out and treated differently, being shouted at, humiliated, excessive monitoring, having verbal and written warnings imposed, and much more. In the workplace, bullying usually focuses on distorted or fabricated allegations of underperformance. Click here for definitions of workplace bullying.
Why do people bully? The purpose of bullying is to hide inadequacy. Bullying has nothing to do with managing etc; good managers manage, bad managers bully. Management is managing; bullying is not managing. Therefore, anyone who chooses to bully is admitting their inadequacy, and the extent to which a person bullies is a measure of their inadequacy.
Bullies project their inadequacy on to others:
a) to avoid facing up to their inadequacy and doing something about it;
b) to avoid accepting responsibility for their behaviour and the effect it has on others, and,
c) to reduce their fear of being seen for what they are, namely a weak, inadequate and often incompetent individuals, and,
d) to divert attention away from their inadequacy - in an insecure or badly-managed workplace, this is how inadequate, incompetent and aggressive employees keep their jobs.
Bullying is an inefficient way of working, resulting in disenchantment, demoralisation, demotivation, disaffection, and alienation. Bullies run dysfunctional and inefficient organisations; staff turnover and sickness absence are high whilst morale, productivity and profitability are low. Prosperity is illusory and such organizations are a bad long-term investment. Projection and denial are hallmarks of the serial bully.
Bullying is present behind all forms of harassment, discrimination, prejudice, abuse, persecution, conflict and violence. When the bullying has a focus (eg race or gender) it is expressed as racial prejudice or harassment, or sexual discrimination and harassment, and so on. When the bullying lacks a focus (or the bully is aware of the Sex Discrimination Act or the Race Relations Act), it comes out as pure bullying; this is an opportunity to understand the behaviours which underlie almost all reprehensible behavior. I believe bullying is the single most important social issue of today.
Bullying...is a form of abuse, and bullies - and unenlightened employers - often go to great lengths to keep their targets quiet, using threats of disciplinary action, dismissal, and gagging clauses. What bullies fear most is exposure of their inadequacy and being called publicly to account for their behavior and its consequences. This makes sense when you remember that the purpose of bullying is to hide inadequacy, and people who bully to hide their inadequacy are often incompetent.
A bully is a person who has never learnt to accept responsibility for their behaviour, wants to enjoy the benefits of living in the adult world, but who is unable and unwilling to accept the responsibilities that are a prerequisite for being part of the adult world, abdicates and denies responsibility for their behaviour and its consequences (abdication and denial are common features of bullying)is unable and unwilling to recognise the effect of their behaviour on others, does not want to know of any other way of behavingis unwilling to recognise that there could be better ways of behaving.
Bullying is obsessive and compulsive; the serial bully has to have someone to bully and appears to be unable to survive without a current target.
Despite the facade that such people put up, bullies have low self-confidence and low self-esteem, and thus feel insecure. Low self-esteem is a factor highlighted by all studies of bullying. Because such people are inadequate and unable to fulfil the duties and obligations of their position (but have no hesitation in accepting salary), they fear being revealed. This fear of exposure often borders on paranoia.
Bullies are seething with resentment, bitterness, hatred and anger, and often have wide-ranging prejudices as a vehicle for dumping their anger onto others. Bullies are driven by jealousy and envy. Rejection (which cannot be assuaged) is another powerful motivator of bullying.
Bullies are people who have not learned the lesson of consequences, ie that if they behave well there are good consequences (reward), but if they behave badly there are bad consequences (restriction, sanction, punishment, etc). Since childhood, bullies have learnt that they can avoid the unpleasant consequences of bad behaviour through the instinctive response of denial, blame, and feigning victimhood. "
Know "who" or what you're up against/recognize the signs - each needs to be addressed in it's own unique way
Here's some links to various "Types" of serial bullies, among the most common found online.
http://www.bullyonline.org/workbully/serial.htm#Types
http://www.bullyonline.org/workbully/serial.htm
http://www.bullyonline.org/workbully/serial.htm#Sociopath
http://www.bullyonline.org/workbully/attent.htm
Add to this those with Intermittent Explosive disorder, OCPD, or a phenomenon recently coined as "Internet Asperger's" and it may become easier for you to not only recognize a bully, but affirm the decision to NOT RESPOND or engage them in any way. Without naming names, I think a few of us have come across websites run or populated by these "types", some of which read like text book cases for these dysfunctions/disorders. It should be noted that some of these types may actually be able to function for periods of time - sometimes by impersonating characteristics of others (even claiming familiar words, phrases, backgrounds, etc. of their targets as their own, or wrapping themselves in a distorted cloak of victim-hood or martyrdom) but they may be figuratively laying in wait for the sign; the opportunity to attack.)
Particularly relevant for bullying exclusively via the internet (though I do NOT agree with making the direct relationship to Asperger's, the non-verbal/lack of empathy part might fit.)
From LiveLeak http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=59a_1247115195
"The term Internet Asperger's Syndrome was recently picked up by Jonathan Kimak in a humorous piece for Cracked ("6 New Personality Disorders Caused by the Internet", 6/30/2009). Kimak writes (inaccurately) that Asperger's Syndrome is a
… rarely diagnosed but often claimed disorder is a mild form of Autism that comes with what seems to be a biological inability to show empathy for other human beings, as well as (and maybe stemming from) an inability to recognize nonverbal cues. They continually do weird, upsetting things because they don't know it's upsetting you. That part of their brain is broken.
People cringe when they hear this term because they know that a large number of the teenagers claiming Asperger's are, in fact, merely dicks.
He agrees with Calacanis's diagnosis:
Calacanis figured out that people who do all of their communicating online wind up mimicking Asperger's behaviors because they are imposing the same disadvantages on themselves. In both cases, when the ability to see nonverbal responses and facial expressions goes away, so does empathy. Soon the thing you're communicating with isn't a person, they're just a bunch of words on a screen. A bunch of words that the little bastard didn't even bother to spellcheck.
Thus Kimak ends up connecting Asperger's Syndrome with various forms of internet-mediated mob cruelty — his characteristic examples are things like "A kid commits suicide on webcam while the trolls cheer him on … Normal kids, … but get them in a chat room and suddenly it reads like the transcript to a Charles Manson parole hearing"
Ironically, it takes a certain lack of empathy to see Charles Manson's sociopathic crimes as having any similarity at all with the social awkwardness and focused, "systematizing" interests of Asperger's people. And spontaneous adolescent mob cruelty, internet-mediated or not, strikes me as having little to do with either one.
In this case, Calacanis and Kimak make the the connection between chat-room meanness and Asperger's because of the idea that the lack of non-verbal cues leads to the depersonalization of victims. But the kind of mobbing gossip that they describe — as familiar from school cafeterias as from web forums — is way outside the spectrum of Asperger's behaviors, from everything I've seen and read. And charismatic sociopaths like Manson are especially skilled in exactly the sorts of communicative manipulation that Aspies have problems with. "
more next time.
This post was edited by Jo-Anne Penn at January 15, 2011 4:22:09 PM EST
Normally, I'm not to bothered by internet bullies/trolls. I was bullied all through school and reported everything any bully ever sent my way. Got someone suspended for it once lol
So when a troll posts something nasty to me, I'll ignore it (or if really bored, correct everything they say then ban them from commenting on my page (where the option exists like youtube). But what really gets me are 2 groups of internet persona's...well I say 2 but they are basically the same.
1 The fly off the handle type who takes everything you say personally
2 The fly off the handle type who takes everything you say personally but acts in a way to make you think they somehow misunderstood you. That you yourself did something wrong and second guess yourself.
The first one, I've come across a lot on art sites I frequent (namely deviantart and sheezyart) where you try to give an opinion (or they ask visitors for constructive crisism but really just want you to list all the ways you think they are awesome) on a piece of art and if it has anything in it they don't like they somhow act like it is a personal attack and lash out, sometimes to the point of getting their "fans" to bully and flame you.
It's made a lot of people hesitant to actually help those who truely need and want the crisism to improve (like pointing out how mist in a photo could just be mist...help someone less familar get their bearings...it may very well be casper saying hello, a personal opinion isn't fact undisputable).
Not sure it is really bullying in the strictest sense though (until they gather their mob).
#2 I had the unfortunate timing to come across on a Doctor Who fan page/group on facebook.
At first I honestly believed I had somehow miscommunicated what I was trying to say and/or was misunderstood. I posted a couple more times to try to explain what I had said, and also to point out a few things being said about me were untrue (and out of the blue).
It went on for days, with the person (who is one of 5 page moderators/creators of the page) constantly deleting my posts and then eventually posting my name on the group page, and saying some pretty nasty things (which I reported). Also saying how she was the bigger person for calling me out lol I swear she needs a dictionary.
She'd go on and on how everyone's opionion was welcome, but delete anything I said and treat it as a personal attack.
She'd tell people they weren't really fans if they said this or that, or didn't like this or that (basically having prefences different to her own), but when I tried to point out how that sounded, she'd fly off the handle and accuse me of trying to turn the group against her (another claim of this was made when one person, just one, faved one of my comments).
I should of left when I realized what was happening, the only thing, to this day I swear that I did wrong but I had been with the group for over a year, partipated, helped out and conversed with several of the mods there (even the one I refer to here) and members without issue. I did not want to back down from what was essentially one moderator bullying me out, for no reason other than having an opinion differing from hers.
Another moderator had actually tried to point out her behavior and was ignored. Another member who had silently seen what had been going on, had seen my posts before they were deleted also pointed it out, but was ignored. A friend of mine who basically introduced me to the group came to my defence and was given the same treatment because her facebook friends list was more public than mine (though she never herself pointed out that we knew each other or even listed me by name).
I actually left at that point realizing with certainty this was no misunderstanding. Yet even gone, she kept dragging my name into arguments and tacking it on a shit list of so called "crimes" that were not committed by me, but by a troll that had once visited the group. She would drag out every bad thing that had happened to her on the page, or had seen happen in other groups and put up her list of people who had annoyed her without making a distinction on who did what.
Not that many actually saw what I had ever said. Those that did, those were the ones that got me emotional, because someone else was seeing it. Reading their posts about their confusion on where this attitude was coming from, point out the same things I had said, I wanted to hug the few that came forward.
Even now, one of the other moderators (who incidentally created the group but has been bullied out of her role by this same person) has pointed out how this has happened time and time again to others, yet does nothing to stop the bully mod (who was not the creator of the group). The other 3 remained silent throughout.
I was called a bully (along with my friend), was threatened, and yet remained civil to this person with every post. Even if she had gone through with her threat to report me, there was never anything in my posts that would seen the way she claimed.
I vounteered for 4 years working on an online art site, dealing with users and one thing it reinforced in me was to remain civil in all correspondence on the site (and generally online), even when they go out of their way to tick you off because it was one of the big rules, to hold yourself to a higher standard than those trolling or just being dicks. Because a moderator who abused that power, didn't remain a moderator. I can't help but expect the same from anyone in any kind of position of power over another.
I had never backed down from a bully in my life, but it is true that sometimes the only power you have, is to just walk away. A bully in the real world can block your path, but an internet bully is as intangible as a ghost, less so if you believe some of the spooky stories out there. All these people have are words and if you walk away from them, they do nothing to anyone.
That said I still like to keep an eye on the place every now and then to make sure my name doesn't end up posted on the page again, if I am even mentioned at this point by her, I'll just report it rather than think she ever actually read anything I had to say (beyond whatever choice words set her off in the first place lol). But also to keep an eye out for anyone else being treated the same way, that i might be one more person reporting her behavior.